The first thing I did when I woke up this morning was check to see if I was dead and I wasn't, hence I'm now writing this post. I'm guessing Harold Camping the leader of the Family Radio network and crazy old fool who started this talk is still alive too, as will be his 200 million followers. I would think with that many believers a few are actually riding the death train right now and the ones they have left behind are seething with jealously or terrified that they were not godly enough in the first place.
I didn't really fall for the whole "Rapture" thing, maybe because Mr Camping predicted that it would happen in 1994 and also because he said that after he ascended to heaven he would not be giving any interviews. Well, I guess he wouldn't be, I can't see any of the "This Morning" or the "Loose Women" presenters still being able to read an autocue in hell.
I really wonder why so many religious groups make their followers believe in and yearn for an after life? Why spend all your time in this one looking forward to the next? I just don't get it. Is it not better to live for today and enjoy what you've got rather than always thinking there is something better coming after? I understand this train of thought if you're 6 years old and you have a ton of birthday presents to unwrap or if you're a premiership footballer with a harem full of hookers but I seriously do not understand living this life as a means to a beginning of another one.
I also did not get what time zone the Almighty was working from anyway. Was it EST? GMT? Was he working around the Pacific rim? I thought the original time was supposed to be 6pm yesterday evening? Once that had passed I decided to give the man above a little longer, just incase his watch was slow or he'd had a heavy night and was taking an afternoon siesta. Maybe he had a spot of dusting to do (he was expecting millions of visitors after all) or the velvet rope hadn't arrived to let the godly in and keep the riff raff out. I waited for almost an hour before I even bothered to start unpacking all the crap I was taking with me. If I'm going somewhere I've never been before and it's going to be paradise you bet I'm taking a different T shirt to wear for dinner every night. I was also really hoping that the departure lounge would be a lot like the Virgin upperclass one at Heathrow. If you've never been you can drink as many bloody marys as you like, get your hair cut, have a spray tan, play some pool and even get a little buggy to take you to the gate. In my dreams, God does look an awful lot like Richard Branson. Whatever he looks like and whatever the reason he's being awfully tardy with armageddon. If there is a God surely he's up there dancing to the beat of his own drum anyway? I wouldn't give any warning as to when I decided to redecorate or rearrange the furniture, it's no ones business but my own.
I read yesterday that Harold Camping is worth £77m, that's a huge amount of money to go shopping with in the afterlife and I haven't read anything about him donating any of his wealth to help people in this one. If he has a direct line to God then why hasn't Oprah? I think I'd be more inclined to believe Ms Winfrey if she suddenly came on air and said we were all about to face hellfire and damnation. Maybe she does know something? Isn't she about to retire after 25 years?
In the meantime I'll just sit here and wait for the headless horsemen to come and get me.I might not even bother brushing my teeth today, or even try tidying the flat just incase old Harold is right. I seriously don't think Mr Camping knows a thing about when our time's up, he's now saying it may be in October? I'll edge my bets with Nostradamus and Hollywood who both predict the world will end in 2012, which will really piss anyone off who managed to get tickets for the Olympics but oh my god, it will make for one hell of a closing ceremony.