Thursday, 19 May 2011

Why every serial killer should own a Kindle . . .

I officially hate the Kindle, I think it's obscene, ugly and morally wrong. Normally these are the first three things I look for when thinking about what makes a really great night out but when I want to read a book I want that book to be a thing of beauty. I want to hold it in my hands and caress it.I want to feel it's girth ( in my book, this also constitutes a great night out) and with the Kindle you don't get any girth, all you get is an ugly, flat screen that lights up. Something that a few years ago I would have probably loved to have served a drink and sniffed cocaine from.

 I also think the Kindle is a threat to public safety. A complete lunatic could be hiding within a Kindle, not literally but I will explain. Books tell a lot about a persons character and none more so than when you've gone home with a one night stand.When you find yourself drunk and half dressed in some strangers house it's always a good idea when they go the bathroom to "freshen up" or if they go to the kitchen to fix a drink to quickly have a look through their reading material (failing that ALWAYS check every available drawer, even if you have to prise it open). If someone has a lot of showbiz biographies then you've definitely gone home with an impressionable teenage girl or a very shallow gay man. If they have a lot of political matter then you've gone home with someone who's going to be utterly useless in bed or a suicide bomber (only one of these will end up with a really big bang). If you find there a lot of self help manuals and books about naked rugby players then you'll be rolling around in Egyptian cotton sheets with a divorcee (or again, a gay man) but if you find any of the following titles: "Men who Mutilate" "How to dispose of a body in ten easy steps" "Feeding your cat with human remains" or any biography of a Spice Girl then pick up your panties and run for the hills because you're going to be staying a lot longer than it takes to cook breakfast in the morning. You don't have these fail safe serial killer spot checks with a Kindle, who knows what's lurking behind that shiny screen?

A real book is also a great place to hide your money or jewellery. Buy something thick, heavy and boring that you know no one will ever want to read (like the Bible) or something that's written by someone thick, heavy and can't read (Kerry Katona's biography is a good place to start) and hollow out the inside of the book. You can then place cash, diamonds, drugs, car keys, even your false teeth inside and no one will even think to open that book because of the horror they imagine lurks between those pages. The reason I know about this is because many years ago one of friends went home with a man who had a bookcase beside his bed, while the guy went to the bathroom to "freshen up" my friend decided to put my afore mentioned "serial killer check" to the test. He took a book from the bookcase,opened it up and inside was a huge wad of cash. The serial killer test can also be an amazing way of finding out if your one night stand could become a potential new (and very rich) boyfriend. 15 years later, these two are still going strong. I have no idea what the book was but like I said, if you're hiding valuables make sure it's something no one will ever want to read otherwise you'll find yourself in a long term relationship.

Books are great for so many things, not only for opening and expanding the mind but also for propping open doors and standing on top of when you need to dust around the top of your wall mounted TV. They are also great for pretending you haven't seen someone, have you ever tried to hide behind a Kindle? A book will not run out of power and it doesn't have any real danger of being stolen from you (unless it's got pictures of naked people in it). I would never advise taking your Kindle out of your handbag on a night bus through Brixton or Hackney however much you may be engrossed in your reading material. Books can also be great for crime fighting or fending off an attack, a hard back can be just as effective as an uppercut, where as throwing your Kindle at someone is really just counter productive.

The Kindle also makes me worry about the furniture industry, imagine if Ikea stopped selling "Billy Book Cases"? Or if the Western world had no want for the ones already purchased? That's a whole lot of cheap wood to get rid of and I don't think Noah is going to need another ark any time soon. I guess at this moment the "greener" amongst you may think that the Kindle is actually stopping the killing of trees and minimising the destruction of the rain forest. The delicate ecological balance of the world may be put right by this wonder of hand held technology, who knows? Maybe there will be no need for paper, we will all have our E - books? Just remember where the Kindle came from and who supplies it - Amazon and that's a circle of life right there.

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