I think if I could vomit a whole tin of alphabet spaghetti it would make for more entertaining reading than what I've been writing lately. I cannot get inspired. I don't know if it's the weather or the fact that nothing interests me at the moment. I refuse to watch television. I refuse to buy a newspaper or a magazine. I refuse to gossip and I refuse to pick up the phone. It's like I've put my mind on a strict diet and it's not to be fed any information incase it starts bingeing. I don't even really want to open the door to anyone so all I have to amuse myself is myself. I'm the last guest at my own dinner party and I cannot wait for me to leave. I keep wanting to get my coat and show myself the door. If I could be bothered to pick up the phone I'd call myself a cab and ask them to drive me far far away and this all began because I thought it would be a good idea to try and reread a book I bought years ago on how to "Tame the Monkey Mind".
I have a huge monkey in my head. I'm not talking about some playful chimp in a pair of dungarees. I'm talking about some great rampaging, shit kicking town destroying beast like King Kong. He's in there, thundering around, ripping up trees and climbing to the top of the Empire State building and he's got me in his big hairy hand, although I'm not in a blonde wig and a silk dress. I think I'm only wearing some generic but expensive underwear. He moves so fast and throws me about so violently it's hard to catch what I'm wearing. My hair looks nice though and I've still got my holiday tan so that's a couple of positives. The only time he seems to calm down is just before I go to sleep. I can picture him then because he's lying on his back and he throws me up and down or twirls me around between his fingers like I'm a baton and he's some great gay gorilla majorette. I know the monkey in my mind is gay because when he goes tearing through the town he always destroys the cheap shops first and everything he eats is fat free.
"Taming The Monkey Mind" is a buddhist inspired book on how it is so difficult for us humans to concentrate and focus. How we all have a "monkey mind" that never allows us to find calm or tranquility and how we are inclined to jump from one idea to the other. Like I said, I tried to read it many years ago and by the time I was ten pages in I found my mind awash like a child with ADHD who was screaming for a dose of Ritalin. It still has the same profound effect on me, as soon as I open the book the monkey knows I'm on his case and he starts acting up and destroying stuff.
He's currently having a wash in the Thames, using HMS Belfast as a back scrub and with his eye on Boris Johnson's office. I do hope Boris isn't working today because he looks a lot like a cotton bud and monkeys ears need cleaning. This is how the monkey gets me, worried and fretting about what he's going to do next? What havoc or destruction is going to be left in his wake. He's just rinsing off by Tower Bridge now, there are a few tourists taking pictures and pointing but he's not really taking any notice so maybe I'll give the book another go while he's relatively calm.
The book says to breathe deeply and empty my mind of thoughts and to find a quiet space but it talks in riddles. I get confused and lost trying to find the quiet space and then that's when the monkey comes thundering up behind me dragging his knuckles on the floor and making that awful screeching sound. Sometimes I'm almost there and then he breathes his monkey breath in my ear and I have to start all over again. Why do I always have to have the biggest everything? Why have I got "Gorillas in the Mist" wandering around in my head? Why couldn't I have a playful kitten or maybe a tortoise instead of something so hairy and destructive? Even a chimp on a bicycle would be less hassle. It's probably best that I've managed to calm him a little by putting my head under the covers and closing my eyes for a while.
I've decided not to read the book anymore, I've searched online and there is a test you can take to see if you have ADHD. Monkey's currently sitting at my desk and answering a series of multiple choice questions and getting himself diagnosed and I have just ordered another book. I'm still going down the Buddhism route but I've chosen a gentler animal, it's called "Buddhism for Sheep".
I really hope this one works? Although I'm already thinking is it better to walk around with a sheep on a lead or a monkey on your back? And what if monkey eats the sheep? And what if the sheep I count at night don't like this one? Monkey's just looked up from his test with a big grin on his face and I know this means trouble . . .