Tuesday, 12 July 2011

Well informed or just well endowed?

I used to think that I didn't really need to be well informed. All I needed to get through life was a smile and a tight pair of jeans and it's true, that did get me pretty far but there comes a time when you realise that shaking your money maker is only going to bring you spare change and you need to pull your head out of your pants and take a look around.

It's easy to get consumed by a lifestyle and be blinded by the disco lights and it's relatively easy to win friends and influence people when you're paying for their drinks. It's harder to actually stop the madness and go back to living a simpler life.There has been a real shift in how I've been thinking and feeling lately and the only way I can describe it is that I've had a feeling of calmness descend upon me. It's as if you could pinch me and a couple of days later I'd say "ouch, that hurt".

This has been such a year of change for me. I've shared a lot in this blog and mostly kept it light, fun and bitchy which is sometimes what I'm all about but the last 10 days I've really struggled with what I'm going to write on here. Every post I started seemed too flippant, like I was playing to the crowd and not talking about how I really feel. In an age of reality television, kiss & tell expose's and phone hacking I guess we are used to reading the most intimate secrets of anyone and everyone and I wanted to live up to the expectations of my audience of 29 (followers). I wish I had more but I do love each and every one of you personally.

I've been reading some of the posts on here and there are a couple of life changing and enhancing things that have happened since I started this blog:

I reached the grand old gay grandaddy age of 40 (which I'd already started to panic about on my 39th birthday). This was a huge issue for me. I was seriously thinking that I'd look in the mirror and there would not be a valid person staring back but at just over a month in I can truthfully say that it was no biggie. I didn't slip into some nowhere land where I roam around with all the other Dinosaurus Pecs. Nothing changed except I learned to embrace my fortieth year in the manner which i've always lived ( I got rolled down a huge hill in a plastic ball).

 I began to downsize my life and possessions. I'm not even a quarter of the way through but eBay is a marvellous thing, it can help you clear your house and mind while affording you a welcome income. In my case a cluttered wardrobe really did mean a cluttered mind. I also totally redecorated my flat and by doing so discovered that a fresh lick of paint on the walls can be far more fulfilling than a fresh lick anywhere else.

I also decided to stop seeing my therapist but the biggest surprise was that he stopped seeing me. The last time I saw him he said he thought I didn't need him anymore and he let me go before I could even break the news. Imagine that? It was like the perfect end to the perfect love affair. It was the most pain free, easy parting of ways I've ever had and it shows what an amazing therapist he is (either that or he read my post about my intention to stop our sessions and replace him with a bottle of champagne each week).

I realise this post is like a retrospective, let's treat it like a "Greatest Hits" of my last fifteen posts but I started a new writing course on Saturday and it's got me a little confused. It's called "creative non-fiction" and it's to teach me how to write about things that have happened to me in an engrossing way rather than an "entertaining way", to me, you can't have one without the other but I'm going to keep quiet and listen and if at the end of the course I don't agree, I'll set fire to the classroom, just to be "entertaining". I was absolutely transfixed by my tutor, couldn't take my eyes and ears off of her. I even have a new name for the posts on my blog, they are not "posts" they are "personal essays".

If this personal essay has not been as entertaining as it's predecessors it's because I'm trying on a new me and in the meantime I just wanted to keep you up to date with my progress. I'm sure I'll get back to being well endowed pretty soon but at the moment I'm happy just trying to keep well informed. Normal service will resume as soon as possible.

P.S To all my other "followers" on Facebook and Twitter - I love you too.


  1. Feeling comfortable in your own skin is of utmost importance at whatever age in life.
    As for the 'personal essays' of yours, they're always a treat.
    Keep them coming.

  2. I agree with ZZ: your personal essays are delightful!