Sunday, 14 August 2011

Why I love my Chopsticks.

I love my chopsticks. Every time I go to Wagamama I steal a pair. Much like people steal the pencils from Ikea, I have a compulsion to take an extra set of chopsticks. I know it's morally wrong but I always leave a big tip for my waitress and it's hardly the crime of the century is it? It's just chopsticks. I didn't don a balaclava and ram raid a cut price electrical store, I just picked up an extra pair of little wooden sticks.

Why do I love them so? Well, it took me a while to learn how to use them. The knife, fork and spoon I took to straight away but the delicate dance of the chopsticks took a lot longer to master, so I never take them for granted. They were an absolute bitch of a utensil to control to begin with and like most things in my life, the more difficult something is to handle, the more it gets my attention.

I have a pair in my hands at this very moment and they are amazingly versatile. In fact I'm going to try typing with them right now: I LOVE MY CHOPSTIKS  (OK, maybe not so good for typing).

Here is a list of things they are truly amazing for:

A book mark - if you don't split them they can easily fit between two pages and if you get the wooden ones then they may even have come from the same tree as the pages of your book. If I was a tree I still think I'd rather be a page of a book than a chopstick but you get my meaning.

A back scratch - I often get my chopsticks out on the tube and have a good old scratch of my back, my head, my legs, behind my knees, ears, etc etc. It's much more hygienic than using your own filthy paws after hanging onto that hand rail and you can also give anyone who won't get out of your way a short sharp prod.

A tickle stick(s) - As above but also excellent if you're at home and feeling all sexy and sultry with a new lover. I cannot tell you the surprise on some peoples faces when I whop out my chopsticks.

A cheer leading baton - OK, this is a little more difficult because people are not really impressed if you just twirl around a pair of chopsticks but if you set fire to the ends of them, tie tons of colourful ribbon to them or manage to juggle a couple of new born kittens with them, trust me, you'll get an audience.

A weapon - no one will mess with you if have a pair of chopsticks to hand. As in most things in life, size does matter (it is all about the girth) but I promise you, a swift chopstick to the eye will have your assailant running (blindly) for cover.

A hair accessory - many a drag queen wouldn't be caught dead without her make up or her chop sticks.

A tune on the piano - how many times have you been blind drunk in a bar / pub / piano shop and seen a piano and said "I can play, I know a really good tune". What the hell do you think that song's called?.

A lock picker - I haven't tried this but I think I've seen it in an episode of "Murder She Wrote".

An eating utensil - You can also pick up bits of food with these.

A catapult - as above.

So there we go. I hope I've made a compelling case for my love of Chopsticks. I suggest you all put down your knives (especially if you're in a teenage gang) your forks (unless you're a gardener) and your spoons (especially if you're a heroin addict) and pick up your Chopsticks.

Wagamama & Asian restaurants the world over - I apologise if you experience a glut of chopstick thievery.

1 comment:

  1. Dan,
    So funny I want to see you using a cheer-leading baton!! Great piece xoxox