I seem to get asked a lot by my 'girlfriends' why I don't want children.
Firstly, I have no patience. If the child wasn't reading, making it's own bed and mixing cocktails by the age of five it would be out of the door with no allowance.
I also couldn't put up with any screaming or crying. The older I get the more noise sensitive I get and unless it's the "ker- ching" of a cash register or someone saying "of course you can have that" I don't want to hear it.
Tantrums? The baby best not even start because I would seriously walk away and leave it in the middle of the street. I'm all for confrontation but you cannot have a fist fight with a four year old.
I don't think I'd be very good at teaching a baby to walk either. How do you do it? Drive the baby far far away from home, sit it down on the edge of a field and then put peddle to metal and hope it follows? I'd really hate to see it gaining on me in my rear view mirror.
What if it got dark and I hadn't strapped a bedside lamp to it's head?
I hear parents say that there is no such love as you have for a child but I don't believe that either. How can you love something that can't drive and eats food that looks the same coming out as it did going in?
Nappies (or diapers for the Americans amongst you) would not get changed in my house. If that baby wasn't probably toilet trained within a couple of days it would be on a liquid only diet.
Also, I would have no idea what to feed a baby, if it couldn't masticate I'm afraid it would have to wear dentures and watch the dog.
I've seen people trying to coax a baby to eat and making ridiculous "Choo Choo" train noises or pretending the spoon is an aeroplane and it's coming into land??! If I had to do that three times a day you best believe that baby better be clocking up some serious air miles...And not for some budget airline either.
Babies are just too much work, too much hassle and too much trouble. I don't want anyone in my house staggering around, drinking out of a bottle and then falling down unless it's me.
They are not the prettiest of creatures either. I know everyone thinks that their baby is the most beautiful but seriously?? No baby is pretty. It's just fat, bald and wrinkly. Do you really want to get woken up four times in the night by someone who looks like that?
I think the only time I'd really like a baby is if I was on a sinking ship. Then I could reenact that scene in Titanic when Billy Zane cries "I'm all she's got in the world" and drags that little girl onto the boat (leaving Kate Winslet to float about on a bit of wood and Leonardo Di Caprio to sink to the bottom of the North Atlantic). If only Kate had dressed Leo up as a baby in a bonnet they could have both been saved.
I know there will be mothers amongst you who are probably on the phone to social services right now or booking me an urgent appointment to get my tubes tied but do not fear. I am far too selfish to ever bring a child into this world. I've never even thought of the "who's going to love and look after me when I'm old" argument.
If I do ever get old I'll love and look after myself .
Or I'll get my mum to do it.