Tuesday, 29 November 2011

You can keep your sex, drugs and booze, I'll have a marshmallow . . . .

I'm eating marshmallows. The ones that come in different shapes and different colours. There are white ones, pink ones and yellow ones. Some are intertwined and some are just the one colour. Some are ribbed and some are just long plain tubes.
I like marshmallows.
I think it may be the texture and the way they feel in my mouth. Whenever I eat a marshmallow I feel like I'm swallowing a Valium. The way the marshmallow feels in my mouth is exactly the way Valium used to make me feel.
Soft, squashy and a little bit foamy.
There are no rough edges to a marshmallow. Eating one is kind of like being in a huge bed with your favourite duvet wrapped around you. Sometimes it's like having a big pink cloud in your mouth and sometimes it's like being in a huge padded room and bouncing off the marshmallow walls.
I love Marshmallows. I think they should be available on prescription and given freely to the depressed, under privileged and mentally unstable.
For some unknown reason the ones that I am eating are called "Chamallows" and the picture on the bag is of a pink and yellow marshmallow with huge eyes, little arms and legs and a magic wand. He's making other marshmallows appear from a magicians hat and they all look really happy. He looks exactly like me when I used to take Valium.

How does love make you feel? All warm and soft? So does a marshmallow.
How does sex end up? All wet and squidgy? So does a marshmallow.
How does a three day drugs binge make you feel? Paranoid and cranky? That's not a marshmallow.
How does a bottle of tequila make you feel? Unable to walk and like your eyeballs are bleeding? That's not a marshmallow.

We all have a vice. If you don't then you are either dead or boring (or just dead boring) and any vice worth pursuing is going to bring you strife, poverty, body odour or disease. Sex, drugs, alcohol and gang banging will bring you all of these, you can't say that about a marshmallow.

Marshmallows are the way forward and the secret to a happy life. If you eat too many then you may get a headache but beyond that, as long as you brush and floss regularly they are pretty much danger free. They don't even have a high fat content so they are pretty much guilt free too.

Danger + guilt = a crime spree or a cult like religion.
Foamy shapes and ice cream colours = marsh mallows.

I take my marshmallows plain. I don't want them toasted, coated in chocolate or sprinkled with coconut. I want them pink, white and foamy. I want them so I can fit at least five in my mouth at a time and  I want to be be able to poke the pink ones out of my mouth and pretend they are my tongue. You cannot do that with an ounce of cocaine and you certainly won't manage it with a six pack of beer.

Give up your vices, your drugs, your booze and your religion. Say goodbye to the meaningless sex and empty nights, cut up your credit cards, put down your weapons and pick up a marshmallow.

What's pink, foamy and feels all warm inside?
You won't know until you try . . . .


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