Monday, 30 April 2012

A silver fox, a dead rabbit and a sex starved neighbour.

I have just googled "Silver Fox".
The images that came up were George Clooney, Anderson Cooper and a variety of wild dogs in their natural habitat.
There wasn't any pictures of me, most probably because:
(A) I'm not famous
(B) I don't have yellow teeth and hang around rubbish bins.

I have been researching the folically challenged fox because the other day the crazy lady who lives opposite me wolf whistled and beckoned me over to her back gate with a call of "you're looking good silver fox".
Now, at first I was hoping she wasn't referring to me.
She's always loitering around at the end of her garden muttering or singing to herself and I have grown wise to her powers of seduction already. She once lured me into her house in the guise of looking for her (escaped) pet rabbit and then locked me in and promptly tried to kiss me.
My most abiding memory of that encounter was smeared lipstick and nicotine stained teeth.
I now try my hardest to avoid or make eye contact with her so I ignored her until she screamed "Oiii, you in the black gilet and tight ass jeans, stop ignoring me" and at that point I knew I either had to make a run for it or turn around and acknowledge her.
"Hello, how's your rabbit?" As soon as I said it I wished I had bitten off my tongue and swallowed it.
"It's dead" she replied and laughed manically.
 "You're looking very sexy with your grey hair and tight jeans"
"Really? Umm, thank you, your earrings are nice" and by now I really wanted to run back to my flat and hide in the wardrobe but before I could . . . . .She lunged at me, all wild eyed and flailing tongue.

I have just googled "Sexual harassment".

It wouldn't let me see any images as I have "parental controls" on my laptop (just to protect myself when I get bored) but I am sure it would have shown a picture of my neighbour with smudged eye make up, in a baby doll negligee,with a cigarette hanging from her mouth and a dead rabbit in her handbag. The other image is probably Tiger Woods.

There is tons of verbiage on sexual harassment in the work place and how it "constitutes a health and safety problem" but nothing about "sexual harassment in a back garden" and how it constitutes a real problem regarding my neighbours mental health and my safety.

I can see her from my living room window as I write this.There is an old wooden wardrobe in her garden along with a mattress, a basket ball hoop, two black cats and a white pit bull.
There are no plants, flowers or any type of greenery, it looks like somewhere Freddie Krueger might sunbathe.
This says a lot about why I am fearful for my safety and why I always walk past there really quickly (the speed does depend on the tightness of my jeans).
She's in the garden in a kimono and a pair of wellington boots and her hair is in a top knot. I think the look she's gone with today is part Geisha and part farmer and it would work, if she was thirty years younger and at Glastonbury. She's also smoking what looks like a cigar and I can tell by the cheapness of the kimono that she's an accident waiting to happen. One stray piece of ash and she'll be alight like a Catherine Wheel.

If I am quick I could probably take a photograph of her with my phone?

Ooops, she's seen me and it's too late for me to pull the blinds down so I'll just wave (half heartedly) and then give her the finger when she turns around.

Did I mention that I'm sat at my desk in my underwear?

I have just googled:
 "Is waving at your sex starved neighbour whilst wearing nothing but your underwear and holding a camera phone likely to give her the wrong idea?"

Google let me down with this one. No images, no advice but I think I know the answer already . . . . .

No comments:

Post a Comment