Monday, 28 May 2012

How to lose your underwear at an all you can eat buffet whilst committing the 7 deadly sins.

Recently I've been reading about the seven deadly sins and I've realised I'm guilty of all of them . . Except for one.
I don't think my behaviour has ever been particularly sinful or shameful and I've never been caught doing anything that would bring down the government or scare the locals.
I have always been a fine, upstanding citizen and the best thing about these supposed sins?
Most of them are fine to do standing up.

Here's my guide on how to sin when you're winning:

Lust isn't a sin - it's fun. You have a mouth and a few other accoutrement's attached about your person so put them to good use. It's no good keeping them to yourself or hiding your light under a bushel. Go out, spread the love and turn on your light. No one wants to know what you've been fiddling with in the dark. Displays of lust are perfectly acceptable and should be encouraged but do not engage in any provocative behaviour in front of pensioners, children, traffic wardens or unlicensed mini cab drivers. Everyone else is fair game (unless you're in a country where a twitch of the eye at an exposed nipple can get you four years hard labour).

Gluttony isn't a sin when you're home alone and no one is watching. If you want to stuff your face then do so. I am sure you have your reasons. Maybe your heart has been broken and the love of your life has left you? Then eat until your hearts content but if you've always eaten until your hearts content and now your sofa's broken? Step away from the fried chicken fatty or you'll never find a boyfriend.

Greed is good if you're at an all you can eat Chinese Buffet (doesn't apply to everyone, see Gluttony) or at the Selfridges sale. There is nothing wrong in buying something you like in duplicate, triplicate or in a myriad of colours. If you can fit it in your wardrobe then make sure you buy it. You never know when someone may steal an item of your clothing or you may lose something that you are particularly fond of. This is especially true with underwear and even more so when you're drunk. If you're going to get drunk then don't wear expensive underwear.

Sloth is fine when you're hungover. There is nothing worse than having to get up, go to work, feed the cat, empty an ashtray, brush your teeth, take out your contacts, wash your accoutrement's, roll out of the wet patch, answer the door, put out a fire or brush the sick out of your hair when you're hungover. So don't do it. Be a sloth and do it tomorrow. Just make sure you remember to change your underwear (see Greed).

Wrath is perfectly acceptable when your partner doesn't do exactly what you tell them to or buy you exactly what you asked them to. It's also more than OK to be full of wrath towards a noisy neighbour, someone who stole your parking space, cyclists, PPI salesmen and anyone you don't find attractive. If they don't tickle your fancy then you don't need to be anything but nasty. Love they Neighbour? Only if they are good looking.

Pride should be and must be encouraged. The meek shall inherit the Earth? That's fine, the proud will inherit everything else. What have you done today to make you feel proud? You got out of bed didn't you? That's one reason right there. You must ALWAYS give yourself a pat on the back. Try doing it in front of the mirror when you're feeling especially proud. Maybe wear a single white glove and speak in a very proper English accent and pretend it's the Queen doing it for you? It is her Jubilee after all and she's probably too busy to come and do it in person. Remember meek and mild grows into girls gone wild.

BUT (and this especially important)
Envy is a sin and will get you nowhere.

You must make yourself immune to the jealousy gene. You must do all you can to dodge it. Don't ever let the green eyed monster catch you with his evil eye and try to remember he sometimes comes hand in hand with the one eyed monster.
Green eye  + the one eye = Black eye.
You must never let him catch you with your pants down or with your mouth full.
Next time you're stuffing your face make sure you're not eyeing up someone else's bigger portion.
Never get upset if someone else has bigger shopping bags than you.
Don't get jealous if your partner sleeps through the alarm and you have to get up.
Don't ever get angry if you see someone sinning - join in.

There is a saying that "jealousy is the dogs bark that attracts thieves" - I have no idea what that means but if you look like a pit bull you'll probably understand?
The only thing I can gauge from it is this:
If someone gets jealous and throws you in the sin bin then be sure to face it, embrace it and then lift your leg and piss up it.

3 comments:

  1. This really cheered me up and made me laugh- i always thought sinning was a great, fun-filled aspect of life that we should all embrace whilst we can. I mean is there anything better than the heady mix of emotions of lust? Brilliant piece on the sins and so right about envy- it only makes you look uglier!

    Hannah x

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  2. Hannah! Thank you so much - anyone who hasn't sinned hasn't lived. Too much of a good thing can be wonderful. Dan x

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  3. No problem, really enjoy the blog as a whole too. If you're ever in need of some musical refreshment/ramblings, check out mine www.titchlikes.com

    Have a great weekend :)

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