Last weeks guide to "Faking Yourself Beautiful" was so popular that I've decided to carry that theme through to this week.
I've been thinking that I've given you all the ammunition you need to find a mate but I haven't given you the gun to shoot it with.
You're all dressed up with no where to go.
I've left you with your pistols cocked and not a target in sight - so I'm going to put that right, tonight, all right?
Who? What? When? Why?
Below is an excellent tip to attract and keep the attention of anyone you might take a fancy to across a crowded bar and this really works, I promise.
If you see someone looking at you and they look like they might be fun for a night, a day, a week or a lifetime this is what you need to do.
Get your best mate, or any mate actually, if any of your mates are better looking than you then pick that one. The only rule is they can't be so tall that they block your eye view of the person you're thinking is looking fine.
Now get them to stand in front of you (with their back to the person you fancy) and pretend you are having a conversation. They can say absolutely anything to you because you're not going to be paying them any attention.
What you need to do is catch the eye of the guy you fancy and in your most flirtatious way, say "Who? What? When? Why?" and keep repeating it on a roll. You can say it in any way you like but just keep repeating it.
You can toss your hair, laugh, lick your lips but at all times you MUST say "Who, What, When, Why?"
Try thinking of Marilyn Monroe when you do it, that's just about the right amount of lip control you need.
You could be coy and girly or downright suggestive and slutty but keep saying "Who? What? When? Why?
If you go for the Victoria Beckham pouty way of speaking you'll look a bit too contrived and if you do it with any type of angry face at all the person you're directing your lips at will probably think you're about to bottle them.
You can pause between each word but don't say anything unless it begins with a "WH" (unless it's WH Smith's, that's just not sexy).
I swear it works, from the age of 19 - 29 my "who,what, when & whys" took me all the way around the world and back again - with god knows who and god knows why but I had tons of fun doing it.
It's harder for me to use that as a way to attract a potential mate nowadays, the danger being I'm getting a little older now and it could easily be mistaken for the early onset of Alzheimer's. The last thing I need is to be rushed out of The Dog & Duck on a gurney when all I was trying to do was get my leg over.
Now try it in front of the mirror and practice, practice, practice.
Two Straws = No Drawers:
By now the person you've been "Who, What, Where & Whying" should be on his way over. It's at this point you can tell your mate to stand at ease. If it's the mate who's really pretty tell her to go and hide or just push her over, not backwards though because the one you fancy might just catch her on his way over to you.
Whatever you are drinking either down it now or suck it straight down to the ice cubes. If you're drinking a pint of lager then you should never have started reading this blog in the first place. It's a sure bet that he is going to ask you if you want a drink and this is when you have to be clever.
Order something sophisticated, you don't want anything that you:
Down in one
Set fire to
Have a sparkler fizzing about in
Could accidentally swallow a small plastic fish or umbrella from
Pull a really ugly face at the first sip and end up spitting right back at him
Used to drink from the Slush Puppy machine
What you need to do is order something sophisticated, expensive and glamorous but also something you have to drink through TWO straws. The reason the drink needs to be all of those things is because your behaviour with the straws is going to be anything but sophisticated, expensive or glamorous.
You need to work those straws. You need to roll them around your glass with your fingers, your mouth, your tongue (never your nostrils) and you need to be as suggestive as you can be with two pieces of coloured plastic caught between your teeth.
There are no boundaries - if you can pull them apart and then flick them back together with your tongue you'll have him delirious with desire by the time you've licked the rim of the glass and he's finished fiddling with his peanuts.
Murder on the dance floor:
Hopefully the WWWW"s and the two straw trick have got his interest and he wants to get to know you a bit better. Now is the perfect time to not tell him anything with your mouth, it's been overworked already with the above - you need to get him on the dance floor and show him your personality through the medium of dance.
You need to make sure he knows how to "get into the groove" before you let him anywhere near yours.
Dancing is a great way to gauge someones background:
Posh people dance like windmills or bunny rabbits on ecstasy
Bullied people dance with their hands in their pockets and keep looking behind them (so do drug dealers)
Drunk straight girls dance like lunatics with elastic hips
Sober gay men dance like drunk straight girls
Taxi (for two?):
So now you've flirted, you've WWWW, you've two strawed and you've done some dirty dancing and this is the difficult bit where everything goes incredibly right or incredibly wrong. The only sure thing now is that someone is going to end up eating a kebab and the other person (if you've followed my rules) gets their kebab eaten. This is where it's always best if you've planned in advance or if you live really really close to where you've just seen all your plans come to fruition.
You must always book a cab in advance. Once the ugly light comes on in a nightclub you know it's like the last of the rats leaving the sinking Titanic and the mini cabs are the last remaining lifeboats. Hopefully, you've already got yourself together and you're out of there snuggled up together in the back of an unlicensed Mercedes being driven home by a man in a nylon suit and cheap jewellery, but if you're not then now is the time to make like Cinderella and get yourself home.
Mini cab offices are the ugliest places on earth.
The lighting in those places is enough to make Gisele look like one of the Addams Family.
No one looks pretty under a naked bulb or against wood chip walls.
Last call at a mini cab office is not like last call at a singles bar.
They are the kind of places only mini cab drivers like sitting in.
Have you ever seen a good looking mini cab driver?
I rest my case.
So, to recap, you need to work on your Who? What? When? & Whys? You need to practice getting gymnastic with your tongue and a couple of straws. You need to make sure he can dance - a man with two left feet is going to be awful between the sheets and lastly, you need to always, always have a safe ride home.
Who? What? When? Why?
Because I told you so, that's why.