Saturday, 16 June 2012

Sex, Lies & Tit (or toupee) Tape.

We are all guilty of a little subterfuge and fakery when it comes to attracting the opposite, the same or just about anybody for sex.
All of us need a little fluffing, a little padding and a little extra sumthin' sumthin' when we have our eyes on the prize and our mind on someones flys (zippers for the Americans amongst you).
Vanity can go a long way. It can lead us to the hair salon, to the tanning booth or to the spray tanning gun, to the gym and back again and to a whole host of buffers, scrubbers, primpers and pamperers.
Planning on getting your knickers off can lead to you getting them in a twist long before you've even made it to the bedroom, but if you follow my guide to looking your best then you'll be horizontal with your face in a pillow in no time.

Hair (S)Care:
This is easy - if you've got some then make the most of it, if you've lost some make a ghost of it.
Nobody wants to see a balding pate (that means a head, not chopped liver) that has been cleverly disguised with the use of three hairs and a can of Elnett. If you're a man that's going bald then crop it off. No amount of teasing it or combing it over is going to bring it back to life so you may as well just say goodbye to it.
However, I have heard it said that if you're rich then there is no need for a man to ever go bald anyway. There are pills, lotions, potions, plugs and transplants to be had so in that case, if you want to get some head - get some hair.
If you're a woman then you already know the drill - tease it, tong it, add to it, work it, go large with it. Not since 18th Century France has there been so much teasing of the tresses. In the 1770's the rich women of France used to keep pet rabbits and birds in the elaborate nests of their hair and nowadays, if you find you fancy a cockatoo, then you best do the same.

The Tanning Salon:
"Every ugly man, needs a good tan".
It's obvious that we all look and feel better when we have spent a couple of hours in the sun but the sun is often in short supply in England. I think the bible ( I've never read it but I watched the miniseries) talks about it raining for forty days and forty nights and if that is the case then I am pretty sure that Jesus was born in Bethnal Green not Bethlehem and Moses parted the River Thames not the Red Sea.
Anyway, my point is this, if you can't bake in it then you may as well fake it.
The high street is awash with fake tan so there isn't one particular brand I could recommend but you do get exactly what you pay for. The cheaper the tan the cheaper you'll look. It's no use thinking you're going to look sexy writhing around in white sheets when you've only paid £3 for your tan and if you're going to apply it yourself make sure you put it EVERYWHERE. It's no use glowing like Jennifer Lopez from the neck up when you're glowing like Casper the Ghost from the tits down.

The Gym:
"Going for the Burn" doesn't mean another ten minutes under the hairdryer, it means really pushing yourself that little bit further at the gym.
Girls like muscles, guys like muscles. A body should have a little bit of resistance to it, it needs to be hard in all the right places. You don't ever want to dive on top of someone and feel like you're grappling with a bag of marshmallows and it's no use if you've switched off all the lights and your one night stand finds out that it's not really a water bed he's been bouncing on top of it's you.
A little bit of exercise goes a long way but don't ever be too intimidated to go to a gym. If you think "thin is in" just remember "fat is also where it's at".
If you've been running on a treadmill then you're allowed to eat a doughnut.
If you remember to always work that body maybe someone rich will marry you and then you'll never have to work again.

Dress for Success:
I only have one strong belief here: AGE APPROPRIATE.
If you're still at school - dress like a school girl and if you're not? Put it away.
No one wants to see a Nana in pigtails. 16 going on 60 is never attractive. I'm not saying anybody over the age of 35 should wear a Burkha I'm just saying if it says 8 - 10 on the hanger, that may be the age group not the body size.
A man should NEVER be seen in a boot cut jean.
Deep V T shirts, boot cut jeans and brown pointy shoes are the uniform of sex pests and Simon Cowell and jewellery on a man should always be kept to a minimum.
If a mans wrists jangle when he puts his hands in his pockets then you best hope he's looking for small change.

Tit tape / Toupee Tape / Industrial Strength Gaffa Tape:
Feel free to use all three of these but if you want to save time and money just go straight for the gaffa tape. If it's good enough to bind metal, electrical cables, garden hoses and Essex boys to chairs then it's fine to use on any sagging area of your body.
It's best to use it on areas where you can cover the evidence with your clothes though. It's no use turning up for a candle light dinner with your face looking tanned, taught and tight only to find midway through chewing, your chins have dropped into your mushroom risotto.
I don't think gaffa tape is especially fireproof either so if you do lean over for a romantic kiss make sure your earlobes don't get singed or your cheekbones go up in flames.

The Goodnight Kiss:
If you've followed my guide you should now be on the home run to being halfway up the bedroom stairs.
You want this first kiss to be special and to mean something. You want all of your time and effort to have paid off. You want to throw your knickers in the air and get your back doors smashed in but before you do this you must remember to always, always practice safe sex. You must be always be prepared, but if you're not and you've forgot then you must use my fail safe method for never catching a disease or waking up pregnant.

March yourself straight up to that bathroom, take off that hair, wash off that tan, let loose that gut and rip off that tape . . . . .

And watch whomever you've brought home run a mile.

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