Saturday, 7 July 2012

50 Shades of Grey, Muslim Fundamentalists and shoplifting in Woolworth's (or I'd give you a piece of my mind if I hadn't lost it already).

I have a temper and I occasionally am known to have a tantrum. I'm never really on an even keel nor will I ever be found coasting along in the middle of the road - and I like it that way.
Things to me are mostly black or white, with shades of grey. Not "50 Shades of Grey" because that would mean I had a ball gag in my mouth and a feather duster up my ass.
I refuse to read that book.
I know every woman in the land who can string a sentence together is now reading it in order to string her sex toys together but for me it's a no go.
I don't need to learn about S&M because I'm far more interested in the food hall at M&S. The only time I've ever been in handcuffs was when I got caught shoplifting in Woolworth's (I was 13 years old) and it wasn't even by a man in uniform. I was tackled and then shackled by an overweight lesbian in a duffel coat.
I learned two valuable lessons that day.
I should have run faster or thrown her a doughnut.

I can sometimes be a little unhinged, not so much that my back doors are blowing in the wind with all the windows smashed but they are definitely creaking loudly, and the cat flap is flapping two to the dozen.
I don't want to look at things and just accept them. I want to question them. I want to now the ins and outs and roundabouts. I need my road to be long and winding, not straight down the middle. Even if I was Dorothy I'd have been following the yellow brick road but digging up a few bricks along the way and replacing them with red ones.
I think the answer to staying young and healthy is by being curious and trying new things. Never settling for the mundane or the easy route. We all have to take chances to really live, otherwise what are you doing? You're dying, that's what you're doing.
Dying of boredom, dying to get out of your mundane job, dying to tell that guy you see on the tube every morning to wear some deodorant, dying to tell your boss that you took a piss in his tea and dying to tell that person who's supposed to be your friend that actually, they are sucking the life out of you and you don't really like them at all. You need to shake things up to really live  - even if it's just dyeing your hair and shaking your tail (feathers).
None of us should wake up of a morning and dread the day ahead - if you do then you have three options:
Put your head under the covers and sleep your life away
Go to the doctors and get some pills to numb the pain away
Get up, put on your (emotional) shield. Pick up your (kick ass) sword and deal with whatever you have to deal with.
I've tried all three.
Sleeping? I love to sleep. My dreams are always in technicolour and normally have a cast of thousands. I have seriously epic dreams but I'd much rather be awake and doing something.
As for taking pills for your daily thrill? I went to the doctors once and when she said "Daniel, what's wrong?" I burst into tears and said I didn't know. She didn't know either because she put me on a course of tablets that would have stunned a cow, a boy band of elephants, a shoal of fanatical Muslim fundamentalists, a girl group of geese and a flock of wild goats ( I know that doesn't sound right  but I was on mood suppressants). I got tasered by 60mg of little white pills a day. It took me about a month before I realised I was walking around like one of the walking dead. No emotions, no light behind my eyes and no energy to do anything. So I went cold turkey ( I think it may have been a gaggle of cold turkeys).
It is much better to just deal with things. Just face them head on, say how you feel, and then move on.

There is an amazing quote by Helen Keller and it's something like "life is either a daring adventure or nothing at all". It's such an amazing quote that I can't really be bothered to google it to get it exact but you get my meaning don't you? Life should be about being brave, taking chances and risks. Helen Keller was as blind as a bat so just getting out of bed and walking to the fridge was probably a daring adventure for her. She also said "As the eagle was killed by the arrow winged with his own feather, so the hand of the world is wounded by it's own skill" and I think that means she downed a bottle of gin thinking it was Evian and started talking gibberish. The moral of this story? It's fine to be brave if you're blind, just don't go to the fridge unattended.

I like having a temper. I like saying what I feel and I like changing my mind. I can't stand anyone who plays the victim 24/7 and I can't be bothered with people who fall for that or are manipulated by it. Sometimes you just need to "man up" and get on with it. If you're crying at the drop of a hat then bend over, pick it up and let me kick you up the ass. We all have ups & downs and peaks and valleys, it's just some of us like meandering around in death valley waiting for someone to give them a leg up.
If you find yourself relating more and more  to "Boo Hoo" just remember it's probably going to lead to "Screw You".
But not in a good way.
Need a shoulder to cry on?
You can't have mine because I've just dry cleaned this jacket and you're like a tiny tears doll on steroids.
A problem halved is a problem shared?
That's fine but I'm on a problem diet. It's called the "Yucan Diet" as in "Yucan take your problems somewhere else, my plate is full".

Sometimes all you really need to do is give yourself a good shake, a couple of slaps and whip yourself back into shape (I told you, I haven't even read that filthy book) and always, always remember god helps those who help themselves.

Especially if you're a shoplifter.

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