Friday, 20 July 2012

David Beckham, a Big Babooshka and a Butt like JLO.

The title of this weeks blog couldn't be more obvious could it?
If it isn't then it's actually about looking for the tell tale signs to see if you're married to, betrothed to, going out with or on the brink of fornicating with a gay man.
My easy to follow rules, tests and things to look out for should help you to get to the bottom of if the man you love is actually into (for want of a better term) bottoms . . . .

Personal Care:
This is your first hurdle and it may well be the most difficult one of all. The lines between what identifies a gay man and what identifies a straight man are as blurred as a builder in a dress' lip liner. The rules are, there no rules. Straight men have got camper and gay men have grown a whole lot butcher.
The tanning salon, the gym, the hairdressers and the skincare counter are no longer the domain of the upwardly mobile gay man and the gradual acceptance by straight men that in order to "pull" they need to pull out all the stops is made evident by the huge increase in the male grooming business. 
The need to "cleanse, tone and moisturise" isn't just a girls world anymore, you're more than likely to find your guy smoothing his face with serum than stuffing his face with pizza and who's to blame? 
Well it started with David Beckham and it's showing no sign of ending with the likes of  Joey Essex and his poofed up posse. Waxing, plucking, pouting and primping is the new macho sport and I bet for every hour spent in the gym, there's at least another hour spent in the changing room making sure the fringe falls just so and the skin is buffed and moisturised.
So for starters, I've not been much help but I will give you this as a dead cert. If your boyfriend is working behind the cosmetic counter rather than buying from it - he's a sure bet for being a nelly.

The Gym:
If you don't attend the gym with your partner then you need to take off the heels and put on your running shoes. An hour in the gym working out but secretly watching what your partner gets up to is telling. If he's wearing Abercrombie & Fitch, lifting weights, staring at his reflection in the mirror the whole time, pouting, grunting but delicately wiping the sweat from his brow - I'd say he's straight. Abercrombie is now strictly the uniform of the heterosexual, but if he's wearing a baseball cap, white socks slouched midway between the calf and the ankle and is covered in tattoos? I'd definitely say he's gay. 
Gay men are notorious for only working out their upper bodies so if your boyfriend has thighs like Beyonce and a butt like JLO then I'd say he only drinks from the furry cup. 
However, if he has a chest like Dolly Parton and legs as skimpy as a g string then he's a 100% vagina decliner.

The Wardrobe:
Cropped trousers, delicate pastels, fine gauge cashmere, inordinate number of accessories, more shoes than a centipede could need? = Straight as a (hair) dye.
High top trainers, check shirts, inordinate amount of denim, vintage belt and t shirts? = Gay as a gaggle of geese.
The man bag also no longer indicates your partner being another mans bag. It's only a certain group of gay men that now carry an over the shoulder boulder holder but I'd definitely say the bigger the bag the bigger the gay. If it's small, compact and looks like something you'd happily dance around then you're laughing all the way to the sperm bank. Your fella isn't a fairy.

Working Life:
The days when the only careers open to gay men were hairdresser and flight attendant are long gone. Just because your man is terrific with a pair of curling tongs doesn't mean he isn't as straight as a set of straightening irons. Hairdressing no longer means an hour long appointment with your best gay counsellor. More often than not it may end up with an hours worth of having a leather clad lotharios crotch pressed up against your elbows. 
If your partner is a hairdresser just insist that every female client he has treats the hairdressers chair like a roller coaster. They must keep their hands in their lap and on no account leave their mouth open.
There is however, one role in the beauty industry that would definitely point to your husband or boyfriend having a liking for the trouser snake.
If he's pursuing a career in hair removal but he likes you as plentiful as a Kate Bush Classic (Babooshka if you hadn't guessed) down below and insists you never wax your upper lip I'd say a hail Mary, because he's most certainly a mary. No straight man wants to spend his working day removing hair from a naked mans body and if his only clients are female? What the hell are you doing let him have that job in the first place?
Here's the ratio of gay / straight jobs (I made these up, they are not based on anything)
Black Cab Driver 90% straight
Flight Attendant  80% gay
Builder 60% Straight
Make Up Artist 100% gay
Door Man 70% Straight
Husband of Katie Holmes 50/50
Husband of Katie Price 100% stupid.

Behind Closed Doors:
I have no idea what you may get up to in the bedroom but if you're totally satisfied with his performance and he's caring, gentle, see's to all your needs and doesn't worry about his own? Run for the hills, he's going to ask you to dress up as a fireman.
If he will not kiss you, keeps his eyes closed and its all over before you've even lifted up your nightie? Run for the hills, he's going to ask you to dress up as a fireman.
If however, it's averaging once a week, sometimes you're impressed, sometimes you're undressed but mostly you end up sleeping in the mess then I'd say you've pulled the typical straight straw. 

Maybe you should be getting him to dress up like a fireman?

So there you have it!
We've worked our way through the G.A.Y list and I hope in some way my guide to finding out if your man is inclined to play Mandinka on the man pipes has given you some clarity?
But really at the end of the day, the only way you're definitely going to find out if your husband is gay and be 100% sure about it is if you're a man, gay marriage finally gets legalised and he takes you up the aisle in front of your nearest and dearest.
But that's another blog altogether . . . 










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