One of my favourite movies is "The War of the Roses".
I'm not talking about an historical drama about medieval England or something you need to watch for your history thesis ( if you read this blog regulary you'll already know my tastes are a lot more eyebrow than highbrow) .
I'm talking about the 1989 movie about D. I .V. O. R .C. E
The reason I love this movie so much is for a line Kathleen Turner spits at Michael Douglas when he asks why she wants a divorce in the first place.
It's something I've always wanted to say and I've often thought, although I don't think anyone could say it in such a majestically evil way as she does:
"When I watch you eat, when I see you sleep, when I look at you lately, I just want to smash your face in".
Now I'm not advocating violence or spousal abuse in anyway, the only time I've ever raised a fist to a partner is if I'm about to throw glitter in their face but I can relate to the sentiment, and I absolutely love the way she delivers it.
I admire anyone (actually any two) who can hold a relationship together and keep it together without wanting to knock each other out or kneecap one another before breakfast.
The longest I've managed is three years and that's a record for me. I've been on first dates and imagined people tarred and feathered before they've even finished their entree.
It's hard to make things work and to stay in love, especially if you have to give up so much of yourself. I've seen so many people start off like Romeo & Juliet and end up like Bobby & Whitney.
Love hurts, love kills and love can be so all consuming that by the time you've come up for air and looked around your looks have gone, your friends are gone and the only person you've got left to talk to is the one you gave it all up for - and then what have you got to talk about?
I know all about loves young bloom and that feeling of excitement when you meet for the 2nd, 3rd and 4th time. It's wonderful! You fell alive! You feel loved! You have an odd sensation deep inside! You have butterflies in your tummy & fire in your loins!
It's exactly the same feeling that ecstasy used to give me (before they started mixing it with cat tranquilliser and industrial strength cleaning fluid).
But how long is it really going to last?
Do you really think you can drag that feeling out for 5, 10 or even 20 years?
If you took an ecstasy tablet every day for twenty years you'd find yourself without a mind of your own, deranged, probably not in control of your bodily functions, sweating profusely, unable to sleep and talking gibberish.
Love will do exactly the same thing.
What is love anyway?
Should it be endless? Should it be monogamous? Does it mean doing everything together and never being apart?
Is it all about compromise and bad breath? Is the secret to a marriage separate bank accounts or just separate bathrooms?
I seriously have no idea but I do remember being at my happiest when I went on holiday with the love of my life and we had one huge bathroom but separate sinks.
Maybe that's the answer? Separate sinks.
Although two days into our two sink holiday he was throwing bottles of shampoo at me in a threatening manner and I had to make a run for it down the corridor wearing only my underpants. It was only when the lift door opened and I realised I had to ride down 43 floors in my skimpys (and with an elevator full of Japanese tourists ) that I decided to go back and try and fix the relationship (and scrub the shampoo from the carpet).
I've never told anyone that before because what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas . . . until now.
There is also an amazing photograph of us at the edge of the Grand Canyon. We have our backs to the camera and it looks like we are taking in the spectacular view and being at one with our surroundings, when actually we were arguing furiously and trying to suppress the desire to push each other off.
Most people give each other the silent treatment in a car ride to the supermarket, we did it on a helicopter ride over the Grand Canyon.
I believe love should be exciting and passionate. Maybe it should be about wanting to throw each other off of the Grand Canyon or smashing each others face in every now again? As long as you don't actually do it and end up on "America's Most Wanted" or " Crime Watch UK" a little friction can do wonders.
I don't think it's healthy to keep your emotions in or to hold back what you want to say, you just have to choose your moment. If you're at the dinner table and instead of saying "pass the salt" you find "I hate the very earth you walk on" comes tumbling from your lips then so be it.
If instead of "good morning" you accidentally let slip "die, bitch, die" then go with it.
If instead of "I love you" you accidentally blurt out "I'm sleeping with Derek from accounts" then shame on you:
1. For being a blabber mouth
2. For being a lying, cheating dirtbag
3. For sleeping with someone called Derek in the first place.
Who are our role models for staying in love and making it work nowadays anyway?
David & Victoria? Charles & Diana? Charles & Camilla? Charles and My Little Pony in a tiara and a pearl necklace? Liz & Dick? Elton & David? Tom & Katie??
The list is endless and the rules for mere mortals do not apply to the rich and famous. The rich and famous are too busy picking the petals off of one long endless daisy chain. They can get up to as many back door shenanigans as they want and they can dissolve marriages like we dissolve alka seltzer. I'm bored of that one now get me another. He loves me, he loves me not? Who cares whether he loves me? I need a bigger audience so I'll marry you and sell the rights to the wedding photographs.
To the rich & famous the sanctity of marriage smells as bad as a sanctuary of cats.
My grandparents stayed married until they died. They met when they were 14 outside the Elephant & Castle tube station - she offered him a sweet and he took it. He always used to say it was the most expensive sweet he had ever eaten but they also took their vows seriously and they did stay together "until death do us part".
I have two photographs of them on my desk, one must have been taken in the 1960's and the other about 9 years ago. Obviously, they have aged in the later picture but their pose is a mirror image of the one before. In both they are smiling, he has his arm protectively around her and she has her hand laid gently on his leg and every time I look at them it makes me smile.
It makes me wonder how did they make things work? How did they still look so happy?
And then sometimes I wonder if she's secretly pinching his leg and if he's poking her in the back?
People don't meet and fall in love outside tube stations anymore.
People meet outside tube stations because they've just hooked up on Grindr and that's the nearest landmark before they get home and rip each others clothes off.
The internet and the world wide web has left us with our hearts closed and our legs wide open.
It's left me asking "where is the love?"
Hopefully, it's outside your local tube/ railway / subway station and it's contained within a bag of sweets.
Too many sweets will rot your teeth but if you choose the right one then maybe it will last a lifetime?
Go ahead, suck it and see.....