It is with much regret and a badly burned scalp that I find myself writing this letter to you.
Last Wednesday I visited your salon "Crops & Bobbers" for my regular "Cut, Blow & Go" (£12.99 including tea and a French Fancy).
I arrived at your establishment well before my allotted 10am appointment time and was greeted by your "receptionist" Kylie (the one with the top knot and the lopsided scowl).
Except I wasn't exactly greeted because Kylie was more interested in applying neon green starfish to her hot pink nails and chewing gum than dealing with a paying customer; without so much as a "Hello! Who are you? Do you have an appointment and can I condition your split ends Sir?" she gestured with her finger (her middle one I should add) that I should sit down in the leatherette massage chair with "Tanika" etched into the back with gold studs.
(I should point out that your I and your A are missing).
I also noticed that your "massage chair" is actually the passenger seat from a Ford Ka. It may have a leopard print headrest but it has no massage capabilities what so ever.
I am most upset that I had to wait for half an hour until you finally decided to show up and without ceremony or an apology dumped an Iceland carrier bag at your station and told me to "stay in your seat, I've just got to go and wash me feet".
You know very well that I do not like being left in front of the mirror witnessing Trevor the Junior fiddling with his perming rods.
In hindsight it was at this point I should have just left the salon but I had a very important job interview that afternoon which I needed to look my best for.
I am now left one week later, both jobless and hairless and I hold you entirely responsible.
After washing your feet (for which you gave me no explanation except for a convoluted story involving a frozen chicken, a false accusation and your being chased by a store detective) you then proceeded to persuade me into having the "£50 Weave & Leave" deal.
Although mindful of my time constraints I finally agreed that yes, I could do a with a new look and enhanced body to my "feels and looks like candy floss" hair (those were your words, not mine).
Little did I know of the mockery and intense pain I have had to endure since.
Tanika, can you please explain to me how you thought you could bond a half head of hair extensions to my scalp with only a tube of crazy glue and a hot wand? Also, why, when we had agreed before Trevor even washed my hair that the colour I should go for was "Ebony Moon" and not "Nikki Minaj Pink" that you proceeded to make my fringe look more colourful than an explosion in a firework factory?
I now have to put up with daily renditions of "Super Bass" being screamed at me by people I don't know or even care to know.
I don't even know what a "Boom, Badoom, Boom Bass" is?
I also take great offence at having Trevor thrusting his crotch at me whilst he fingered my split ends. If I wanted to feel a piercing rubbing against me I'd have whispered in his ear.
As you well know, I didn't make it to my job interview as I was still bent over your back basin at 5.30pm whilst you tried to untangle the tangle teaser you'd managed to attach to my scalp. No matter what you say, a "Tangle Teaser" is meant to tease, not rip hair from it's roots. I found it most upsetting when Kylie invited the rest of the clients over to the basin to take photographs with their smart phones.
I like to look nice in photographs but I don't think the acrylic hair version of "Joseph & His Technicolour Hairdo" is really my best look.
I also did not appreciate your laughing and saying "white guys can't wear weave" whilst pointing at my inflamed scalp.
Not only was that hurtful and judgemental, it's also racially abusive.
Tanika, I am hoping we can come to some form of agreement and you will fulfil the "Hair Repair" promise you made to me when I left the salon. I agree the conditioner that Trevor used called "Coconut Moon" did smell delicious but I do not see why I was charged for the full 2 litre bottle upon my leaving? I know you said it will sooth the burns but I feel you should have at least given that to me for the inconvenience.
I hope once I have at least a half inch of regrowth you will see good your promise to have me back to your salon for a full day of luxury pampering.
I have a particular interest in your "Real Mud of the Thames" facial and the "Hairy Toe No More" pedicure that you offer as part of your "Sit Back & Spa Day".
I am sure that between yourself, Kylie and Trevor you will make the utmost effort to welcome me back as your most loyal and longstanding victim ( I mean customer).
P.S I appreciate you lending me your earmuffs as it was very cold outside and the plasters you'd attached to the weeping sores on my head did little to protect my scalp.
P.P.S I am owed a tea and a French Fancy.