Thank you so much for inviting me to your housewarming last week.
Firstly, I'd like to once again, welcome you to the neighbourhood but also apologise for my terrible behaviour and offer some explanation as to how things got so out of hand.
I've tried calling your house but the phone either rings and rings or someone (who sounds an awful lot like you Barbara) picks it up and screams a barrage of obscenities at me.
I know it's you Babs because of the dropped vowels and the smokers cough.
I'm just surprised at some of the filthy words you use.
Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?
I understand that you're both upset but all I want to do is apologise and offer some form of repayment for the terrible fire damage that happened to your curtains and also see if your pet rabbit is recovering OK?
I don't know how I got so out of control and why I took my clothes off but I'm hoping this letter will make some amends and you'll drop the court case against me.
It was very embarrassing for me to be dragged down your front pathway in a straight jacket, muzzle and shackles. Hopefully you will understand the damage this has done to my reputation within the community?
I've managed to convince some of the neighbours that it was actually a fancy dress party and I was in character as Hannibal Lecter so I hope you will find it within yourself not to tell them the truth?
They also believe the fire engine, sniffer dogs and helicopter circling overhead were part of the party so please don't spoil their fun.
Although I know some of my behaviour was a little crazy, I think you should take some responsibility for why the evening turned out the way it did.
Colin, you said to me "mi casa su casa" and because I'm fluent in Spanish I was only embracing that sentiment and Babs, you did encourage everybody to "eat, drink and be merry".
I was only following your instructions and guidelines.
I just forgot about the eating part.
Too much drink on an empty stomach would make anyone want to vomit.
I'm just sorry I happened to do it on your granddaughters beautiful blonde ringlets and new party dress.
Also, I know you didn't appreciate me saying I was only reenacting my favourite scene from "The Exorcist" but I was just trying to stop her from crying.
I shouldn't have smacked her either, sorry about that.
I don't think you can really blame me for pushing Mrs Henderson out of her wheelchair so that I could have a seat because by that point I had exhausted myself dancing and she'd been sitting down all evening. I don't think she's as sick as she pretends to be anyway and yes, I know you hadn't provided any type of music but once I have a few Sambucas I start to hear music wherever I am.
I also know you didn't provide the Sambuca.
It was actually my house gift to you and if you would only accept my apologies I will buy you another bottle and replace all the shot glasses I smashed.
Finally, please accept my sincere apologies for what happened to Bunty. I know it was very wrong of me to get so drunk that I actually thought your hallway mirror was a portal to another universe and try to smash my way through it.
I know it was also very irresponsible of me to let Bunty loose out of his pen when there was so much smashed glass around but I was just trying to take your granddaughters mind off of the vomiting incident.
I do feel however, that there is an upside to every story and we should all be thankful for small mercies. A smashed mirror may bring you seven years of bad luck but at least you now have a lucky rabbits foot to carry around with you (and Bunty will learn to hop just as well with three legs).
By now, you're obviously both aware that I can't hand deliver this note because of the injunction you have against me. I think it stipulates that I must stay 500 ft away from you and not even go near a sniff of alcohol for a three month period.
This injunction makes it difficult for me to replace the two antique candelabras that I fashioned a Lady GaGa type headdress from.
I think you said they were family heirlooms?
Well, now they are family hair ornaments.
Once again, please accept my sincerest apologies,
Your dearest neighbour & friend,
P.S Colin, I forgot to apologise for pulling off your toupee and throwing it across the room whilst screaming "watch out everybody, it's a flying cat".
P.P.S Babs, did you eat the Pavlova I made? It's delicious isn't it? It's my mothers recipe.
If you've finished with the tupperware I'd like that rinsed out and returned.