Did somebody press the fast forward button on 2012 and I missed a few months?
The older I get the quicker time seems to pass.Sometimes the things I think I did yesterday were things I did a month ago and sometimes the things I could be doing tomorrow I should really be doing today. Sometimes the underwear I took off yesterday is the same underwear I'll be putting on tomorrow and that means I won't be wearing any underwear today.
You with me?
Neither am I.
What I'm trying to say is this, don't sit around wasting time when you should be wearing clean underwear.
Nobody likes a time waster in a pair of dirty drawers.
It's hard to keep motivated, especially when you don't really have a focus or a goal which is why I advise everybody to get a chalkboard and a piece of chalk. It's important that you hang that chalkboard in the place you spend the most time or where it's in your direct eye line first thing every morning. I have mine above the sink in my kitchen and that's not because I spend all day hanging around my kitchen sink. Anyone who regularly reads this blog knows I only ever go in there to dry my underwear, mix cocktails and do a bit of roller skating but I do wander in there first thing every morning to recycle my empties and defrost my Calvin's.
On the chalkboard you need to write a list of what you want to achieve. It doesn't have to be your life plan, it can be just for the week or the day or if you're really uptight and need micro managing do it by the hour (but if that is the case I suggest you don't get a chalk board you just go out and get a life). Here's an example of what you could write:
"Things to do today"
1. Remember what my name is.
2. Remember who I am.
3. Find out who that man is asleep in my bed.
4. Run to the bathroom.
5. Try not to cry.
This is just an example of what you could write on your chalkboard but If do you spend every night face down in your hallway and wake up with carpet burns and smudged mascara I suggest you forget the chalk board and stop going out. You'll probably only end up using the coloured chalks as eye shadow and lip liner anyway. It is important to have a goal in life but if your greatest achievement is managing to make it home on a Saturday morning without a huge gash in your tights then my guide to enlightenment isn't going to help you.
OK, so now I've managed to alienate half of my readers I'll start again with those of you who really want to live a happy and fulfilling life. Once you've got your chalk, chalk board and found yourself a kitchen you can begin. Think about what you want to achieve, it doesn't have to be anything huge, take baby steps to begin with. Nobody expects you to be an overnight success, in my experience the greater the struggle the more worthwhile the success.
Always remember this "If at first you don't succeed, try, try and try a Gin".
Gin is an excellent way to get you through the day as long as it doesn't make you cry or bring out your latent violent tendencies. Nobody wants to listen to the problems of a violent, crying drunk.
Drunk and crying yes but violent no.
Just because you happen to believe one good fist is worth a thousand words doesn't mean its true (unless you visit nightclubs with names like "The Hoist" or "Butt Bangers Are Us").
OK, so now I've managed to alienate about a third of my remaining readers.
Are the rest of you with me? You've got your chalk in your hands and you're ready to start "Chalking and Changing" right? The important thing is to realise you have no limitations. You can be anything you want to be. The only thing stopping you is yourself. Think of yourself as a child and how you would speak to yourself if you had the nine year old you standing in front of you. What did the nine year old you want to be? You wouldn't say bad things would you? You wouldn't tell yourself off or beat yourself down would you? You'd encourage your dreams and say "Go for it Danny"!
I'll show you how it works by having a little conversation with my nine year old self:
Me: "Wow! Danny, look at you! Don't you look cute!"
Nine year old me: "I know, it's my mums dress and lipstick I'm wearing, I hope I don't get caught".
OK, so maybe that doesn't work, let's skip that idea.
A healthy mind is an active mind and the only way to exercise your brain is to keep on learning. Have a thirst for knowledge, read good books and seek out new adventures. Step out of your comfort zone and do something you've never done before.
Run blindly across the road without looking!
Don't bother brushing your hair or doing your make up and wear a balaclava for the day!
Walk into a 24 hour convenience store late at night wearing the balaclava!
Get beaten with a big stick by the man behind the counter of the 24 hour convenience store!
Appear on "Crimewatch"!
Try that really sweet Turkish dessert called "Baklava"!
See your teeth rot and your tongue feel like fur!
See, your life is changed already!
Do you seriously think Donald Trump always looked like that?
I bet Kim Kardashian had to work really hard to get that great big arse (I'm talking about Kanye).
I'm thinking that female shot-putter from the Eastern Bloc will have had to have taken a shed load of drugs to look that butch.
I just know Justin Beiber will have to work really hard to grow a beard to stop looking like a lesbian.
I'm sure I'm going to have to work twice as hard as Beiber to win back all those readers I've offended.
We're all just big dreamers that started off small but we all have a common connection:
A kitchen, a chalk board and some dirty underwear (especially that Kim Kardashian, I can tell just by looking at her).
You must always remember that when the chips are down you can always bend over, dust them off and pick them back up. . . .
Just make sure you don't drop your kebab whilst you're doing it.