Monday, 31 December 2012

Reasons To Stay Home Alone On New Years Eve.


New Year is traditionally the time when we say goodbye to the old, hello to the new and make the decisions and resolutions we aim to keep for the next twelve months.
Gym memberships are purchased, diets are started, alcohol is given up and new leaves are turned over.  New Year for many means it's the kick start that they need to try for a new career, to study, to travel or even to just sit back and reevaluate all that they have. Some make the decision to leave their partner, others make the decision to finally settle down and accept each other for what they are, and for others, it's time to give up on all things romantic and fall head over heels in love with themselves.
I've tried all of these things at New Year and to be truthful, none of them seem that new to me anymore.

It can be difficult to not succumb to the lure of the pub and the nightclub on New Year's Eve. The lull of those "in between" days from Christmas Eve to NYE can be hard to take, it's the awful anti climax after the tinsel, turkey and all it's trimmings which makes us want to have one last blow out before the chimes of Big Ben, but I have always found it a time of enforced hilarity and celebration. It's akin to turning up at your favorite store on the opening day of its sale only to find you've left your wallet on the kitchen table. You rush through the door, start elbowing people out of the way, tearing things from the rails and digging through piles of cashmere sweaters like a dog digging for a bone, only to find you never had the cash to pay for what you wanted in the first place. You find yourself getting hot and sweaty, chewing your tongue and gritting your teeth whilst in the company of people you normally wouldn't be seen dead with, and there you stand at the end of it all, wild eyed and fighting with a complete stranger over the same winter coat.
The only difference is in a nightclub on NYE you'll probably be fighting with the cloakroom attendant over a coat that is rightfully yours, but you've drunkenly lost the cloakroom ticket for.

I've realized that the start of a New Year is more a time for reflection rather than going out, downing shots, being sick on my favorite shoes and then trying desperately to find a cab home. Spending the newest day of the newest year with my head down a toilet bowl is hardly the best way to ring in the changes and embrace the more user friendly me, and the last thing I want to be doing when I embark on my mission to start a new life, is trying to find some loose change on the walk of shame home.

Also, New Years Eve was traditionally the time when complete strangers took the opportunity to kiss you on the lips and put their arms around you, nowadays it's the perfect time of year for complete strangers to kiss you on the lips, give you a cold sore or the Norovirus and then steal your handbag.
It's no fun when you look to your wrist on the stroke of midnight only to realize someone's made off with your Rolex, and that really handsome stranger who whispered "Happy New Year" to you after your sixth Champagne cocktail?
He's just stolen your earrings.
So it's "Happy New Year" to you and some lovely new ear candy for him.


I'm trying not to be jaded about New Years Eve and I truly believe it's healthy to let go of the old and be open to new experiences, new people and new beginnings but this year I don't think I'll find them in a bottle of tequila or on the edges of a dance floor. I'll probably find them sitting quietly at home, alone and reading a book. I'm not being wistful or enforcing some kind of solitary confinement upon myself, I just find that as I've got older that the beginning of a New Year is a time when I really do have to take the time to say goodbye to actions or feelings that have held me back, and to reevaluate what I need and where I want to be in the future.
Youth and ambition can make it easy to discard anything that has served it's purpose but age and experience have softened me, so now instead of being cut throat and cynical, I'm trying more and more to be soft tongued and lyrical. I'm not saying that every day is going to be like a Disney movie, I'm just going to try to live life a bit more like Snow White, rather than always pretending to be the big bad wolf.
After all, Snow White is a rather good role model for tolerance and acceptance isn't she?  She lived with seven tiny little men of questionable appearance, some with bad manners and suspect lifestyle choices and she was also very open to talking to the elderly and vulnerable.

I think what I'll do is spend this New Year alone, rereading the story of Snow White and trying to learn some life lessons from her tale. Although from what I remember she was hardly a paragon of upwardly mobile ambition was she? This girl was hardly a "Go-Getter".
In fact, she took advantage of every situation she was in and if anything she used her looks and charm to manipulate people to get what she wanted.

Which is exactly the type of person who'd steal your handbag and your earrings in a nightclub on New Years Eve . . .

Tuesday, 4 December 2012

If Bisexuals Are Revolting Can I Please Be Marie Antoinette?


Recently I wrote an article for The Huffington Post that seemed to infuriate, inflame and irritate a lot of bisexuals.
I have no idea what got inflamed and irritated because apparently, they don't sleep around and never have done.
That's just a horrible myth that everyone in the world believes about bisexuals, a myth and a stereotype that mean, bigoted, narrow- minded heterosexuals like me propagate. A terrible assumption and slur on every bisexual in the land that I helped circulate with my hateful words.
I seem to have upset a huge demographic of Dr Who fans, fat men with suspect facial hair and in dire need of a neck, some (I think) women who can't even put their face upon their twitter accounts but like to use cute or "kick ass" anime faces, others with seriously bad haircuts and someone with the ugliest breasts I have ever seen in my life. (The face was anime but the breasts were pure Godzilla).
I'm such a "nasty breeder pig?!" that these paragons of bisexuality have thrown all of their toys out of their pram (it also converts into a push chair, it's extremely versatile), picked them back up, took them home and refused to come out and play again.
Hell hath no fury like a bisexual who has read a blog post they didn't like.
Their anger and fury is far more rampant than their sex lives, I MUST make that clear. 
Bisexuals don't sleep around OK? 
Hopefully, in this blog I can go some ways to mending the broken bridges, highways and bi ways so that we can all be friends again. Let's be all encompassing and share the love shall we? I want to open my arms to every angry bisexual in the land who bothered to read my blog post and I want to focus only on them, nobody else, just the furious ones that bothered commenting and sending hilariously ridiculous messages to me via twitter.

Firstly, it's terribly bad form to ever describe a bisexual as fashionable:
I (allegedly) described bisexuality as being "trendy" and likened it to being a "fashion choice".
I need to clear this up, after reading some of the comments I received and then looking at the people who sent them & doing some background research ( such as looking at their twitter accounts, their likes / dislikes and profile pictures) I unreservedly take that back.
Bisexuals ARE NOT TRENDY. 
Lord no! Hell no! Black is definitely the new black and the bisexuals that got so riled up and nasty are so far from being fashion forward that they are still all getting dressed in the back of their closets, with the lights off and the door firmly shut.
I totally get it now:
Fashion is a choice, Bisexuality isn't and never the twain shall meet.

Stereotypes are bad! They do not exist in bisexuals:
Each bisexual is special and individual, no two are the same and they are like the human version of Moshi Monsters.
One of the funniest comments I had was from a straight guy who took umbrage at my blog post and said how would I like it if he described gay men as "creepy weirdos, incredibly fashionable and sex crazed hedonists"?
The more I've thought about it, the more I like it. 
I've probably wrote about / been or slept with all three. Incase you are wondering, I'm not the "bigoted heterosexual breeder pig" I was accused of being,
I'm a stereotypical gay man and what makes me a gay stereotype? I’d think it’s probably the fact that I sleep with other men?
Stereotypes are not a bad thing and the people that replied to my blog post need to give themselves and the general public more credit. No one seriously believes all gay men are well groomed, well dressed and are always having sex and nobody believes all straight people want 2.5 kids and dream of living in a semi detached house. Some of us are and some of us do, but ultimately, no one cares.
I have no idea what a stereotypical bisexual is? Isn't it someone that sleeps with someone or falls in love with someone without being gender specific? 
Although from reading the complaints and comments I received, I'd say they were a bunch of furious, middle aged Daily Mail readers, who need to get out more and put their bisexuality into action.
Yes, we get it, you DON'T sleep around!

Bisexuals have no support in the community:
First of all I thought, OK, maybe this is true, but it's not.
I had a lot of people complain that I had insulted the whole LGBT community with my ignorance and bigotry. Whenever I see someone describe themselves as part of the LGBT (lesbian / gay / bisexual /trans) community it makes me suspicious anyway.
Haven't we fought for equality? Why separate ourselves in the first place and when exactly does a bisexual stand up and identify themselves as being so? When do they make it a "political statement" or show they are proud of who they are? They are certainly not doing it by walking down the street hand in hand with their partner of the opposite sex unless they are wearing an "I'm a bisexual" sign around their neck. Again, from some of the more militant responses I got to my article, I'd say that you might think you're being a poor, misunderstood bisexual but to the rest of the world you're the same as anybody else. If a bisexual feels so slighted, misunderstood and ostracized then why don't they stand up and do something? Pride marches are all inclusive and there are phone lines and charities that are open to all but from reading the responses at The Huffington Post, I'd say bisexuals marginalize themselves by always wanting to stand apart. 
As a gay man I don't care what you are, just man up and get on with it.

Bisexuals are everywhere:
Apparently not. I said that in a freer thinking and more open, tolerant society bisexuality is being embraced and it's more than OK to make the choice to sleep with people from both genders.
I was wrong, and who told me? The angry bisexuals / straight pseudo intellectuals who say it isn't a choice. People are not allowed to give themselves the freedom to make choices because bisexuality is a terribly traumatic thing to deal with; it's never just as simple as fancying someone on a Saturday night or falling in love with someone on a second date.
There is so much more hurt, angst and soul searching that has to be done.
Once again, no one is deemed intelligent or emotionally strong enough to think they may want to sleep with a guy one night or a girl another night because having a sex life and making choices whilst being bisexual is so different from being a heterosexual or a homosexual.
It would seem bisexuals have such special needs that they view sex / love and emotion in a totally different way to every other person who's ever felt it.

Bisexuals suffer more "discrimination and violence" than straight or gay people:
Seriously? Is there a new term for this? Is it "Bisexual Bashing" because I am sure any thug who see's a same sex couple and is determined to abuse or threaten them with violence is not going to be able to differentiate your being bisexual from being gay. 
Discrimination against bisexuals and being "bi phobic" is endemic in society? I guess it is when everybody has to watch what is said and written in a politically correct age. When even saying "bisexuality is en vogue" and anything else is "limiting to your life experience " is deemed to be "mono sexist" and "bi phobic".

Bisexuals are incredibly open, forward thinking people:
I think some are. I know for sure a couple of my friends are and I did receive a couple of very eloquent messages and comments, some of them were intentionally funny too but for the most part the responses were self indulgent, narrow minded and patronizing.
I'm glad I rattled the cages of most of them and maybe I caused a revolt? The bisexuals are revolting and they are coming for me, which puts me in mind of another misquoted, misread and misunderstood old Queen and like her I only have this to say:

"Let them eat cake, c*ck or perform cunnilingus because I really don't care".

* There is no actual record of Marie Antoinette ever speaking the words "let them eat cake". It was a ridiculous assumption that grew out of control and ultimately defined her.
I can relate.