Saturday, 13 July 2013

Drinks? Lunch? Dinner? The Dilemma of The First Date


Recently I read that there is a simple way to tell if someone is really 'into' us, and not surprisingly, in a material world full of material girls (and boys), it supposedly depends on how much money and how much commitment we are willing to put into that initial meeting or on that all important first date.

What I read was this:
'Coffee is cheap, drinks are an audition, lunch is an interview but dinner means business'.

Now I don't know if this applies if you've met online, in a supermarket, in a bar or even in a sex club, although I would think that if you had met someone in a sex club, then it's a little too late to be exchanging niceties and polite conversation over a Frappuccino and a chocolate brownie.
I'd find it hard to be coy and flirtatious with someone who's already familiar with my ins and outs (or outs and ins, depending on whatever makes you happy).

My own take on the statement is this:
'Coffee is boring and makes your breath smell, drinks are fun and liable to lead to nakedness, lunch is only ever going to work if it's at the weekend because work takes precedence over leisurely lunch breaks, and dinner means you will be expected to get naked (and there are probably drinks involved too)'.

I hate being asked to meet for 'coffee'. Firstly, I'm allergic to it and it makes me behave like I've ingested a speedball. Hardly perfect first date material am I ? I'll just sit there covered in hives and frantically fidgeting, whilst sweating and chewing my tongue like a junkie waiting for their next fix. I also find being asked for 'coffee' rather boring and quite frankly, cheap.

If someone asks you for coffee then it's certainly going to be a daytime date, and what do daytime dates mean? The person asking is most probably not single and can only really spare you a half hour sat at the back of a generic coffee emporium, where the barista spells your name wrong and the CEO is busy not paying company taxes.

Going for drinks on a first date can be fun but it can also be dangerous. It's the perfect opportunity to find out if the person you're going to be spending the next few hours, night or the rest of your life with is a raging alcoholic, notoriously tightfisted, a lightweight or a (beer) barrel full of fun and laughter. I remember being asked out for drinks by someone and when I was asked what I was drinking, I answered straight away 'a shot of tequila'. The relationship lasted all of three weeks but boy, was it fun. I should add that although it was our 'first date' we'd known each other for years, we'd just never got around to really 'knowing' each other.

I would never advise getting roaring drunk on a first date, no one wants sick on their shoes or have to witness your tears or violent behaviour before they've even found out your star sign. If your first date is a 'drinks' date it's best to remember these rules:

When you left the house you were wearing underwear, make sure you're still wearing it when you come home.
If you have a special party trick / dance / ability to touch your elbow with your tongue when drunk then you really shouldn't drink on a first date, and finally, never ever order a flaming Sambuca if you've bought your false eyelashes from Poundland or if you've got too much product in your hair.

Someone's asked you out for lunch? I wouldn't completely write off the chances of romance at lunch, it just depends on what day of the week it is. If your suitor is a millionaire or unemployed then you'll probably be in with a good chance of having an extra long week day lunch date, but if if they are in a regular 9-5, then you're only going to have time to get soup and half a sandwich. No one takes a lunch hour anymore so it's not the right time for wine, romance and roses. Lunch for most of us is spent at our desks, not playing footsie in a five star restaurant and knocking back champagne cocktails.

A lunch date works if it's the weekend because not only can you order the full five courses, you can also spend the whole morning making sure you look presentable, rather than fixing your hair / make-up / cleavage in the reflection of your computer screen.

Weekday romantic lunches never work, save it for the weekend and remember the weekday lunch date rule:
If he arrives by helicopter - he's a millionaire.
If he arrives by bus - he's unemployed.

So now we've arrived at the daddy of all romantic first dates - the dinner date. This apparently is the one that means business, the one that changes the love game, the one that shifts the goal posts and puts its balls on the table (although if you do turn up at dinner and your date is sitting there with his balls on the table, I'd quickly look for the nearest exit and jump in a taxi home). Dinner as a first date is a serious business, and there is nothing more telling about a persons behaviour than watching them eat.

I actually find it attractive when a man eats with it's hands (unless it's soup or a Thai Green Curry), just make sure he washes them before he unhooks your bra. Never date anyone who tucks their napkin into their shirt like it's a bib, it will make you want to rub their back and burp them and never, ever date anyone who is rude to a waiter or waitress. Not only does it show a complete lack of class, it also means that whatever food is being put down in front of you has had something unspeakable done to it in the journey from the kitchen to your table. Anyone who orders spaghetti and then cuts it up with a knife and fork is going to useless in bed and anyone who can suck a whole strand of spaghetti straight from the bowl to their mouth is going to be amazing in bed.
Never date anyone who doesn't chew, they probably don't have their own teeth and never date anyone who chews open mouthed. I'd also be suspicious of anyone who eats / drinks and talks at the same time. It's probably their only moment of over achievement.

I hope, in some way I've given clarification to the whole coffee / drinks / lunch / dinner dilemma?
Just remember these first date guidelines:
Coffee = Just say no
Drinks = a drunken audition (just don't turn up in a pair of tap shoes, a leotard and making 'jazz hands')
Lunch = only if he's a millionaire
Dinner = If he likes it then he's going to put a ring on it otherwise, at least you're going to get a free meal
And finally, if you really can't be bothered with any of it, either go on a liquid diet or order a takeaway.


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