Tuesday, 26 November 2013

When Did Gay Become A Dirty Word?

Apparently I should be furious with Alec Baldwin, Eminem and (if I even knew who he was) James Arthur.
Because they've been flinging the words 'cocksucker' 'faggot' and 'queer' at anyone who's upset them. These three icons of virile masculinity have decided its handbags at dawn and god help any paparazzi, second-rate rapper or critic who dares rain on their parade.
As a great believer in bitchy put downs and a connoisseur of all things cock related, I can't say I'm really bothered or impressed by their choice of insults. Supposedly 'straight' men calling each other names and things related to what I've been doing (and grown rather good at) these past twenty years barely make a ripple on my consciousness. If I really wanted to hear something deeply offensive I'd listen to the voicemail Alec Baldwin left for his 11-year-old daughter during his custody battle with Kim Basinger.
And if I really wanted to see something offensive I'd watch Eminem posturing like a 'gangsta from the hood' with his perfectly made up and botoxed face, bleached blonde hair and trousers showing more arse than a Go Go boy dancing at a Gay Pride Parade.
When it comes to firing insults at each other most gay men don't go in for name calling, it's more likely we are going to very quickly decipher our opponents insecurities and go straight for the jugular. It seems every straight mans Achilles heel is to infer that they may be gay, or for want of some better words, a 'stick slurper' and a 'shirt lifter'.
Gay men don't really have an Achilles heel because everybody knows we spend our downtime at home wandering around in them.
Through the years there have been so many derogatory words used to describe or identify someone who may be gay that I yearn for an original or thought provoking term to describe all of the queens and fairies worldwide. Some of these 'insults' have been adopted and claimed by the gay community and are now used as terms of affirmation and activism. 'Queer' doesn't really cut it as a putdown since the gay community started singing 'We're here, we're queer and we're not going shopping' at Gay Pride marches in the early 1990's.
Not only does the word 'queer' seem outdated and cliched as an insult, the whole idea that gays ever stopped going shopping seems to be too.
Sissy, Nancy and Mary Ellen no longer work because they are the go to names for every gay cat owner worldwide. 'Ass Vandal' isn't an insult, more a term of endearment or what most of us are looking for on a Saturday night and 'Butt Pirate' is my favourite choice of outfit every Halloween. It seems the world is running out of new and original names to call the pansies and the poop pushers.
I think the bigger issue is not how offended the gay community will be when a so called 'celebrity' lets rip with a homophobic rant but more the reasons why grown men deem being a receiver of swollen goods anything less than a life style of utter fabulousness? I've spent the past 20 years making sure I'm a 'big girls blouse' and the biggest 'fruit' in the fruit bowl. I've been a 'Vagina Decliner', a 'Booty Snatcher' and a 'Pillow Biter'. The 'Homos' the 'Poofters' the 'Fudge Packers' and the 'Rump Roasters' are all my best friends or people I've slept with.
There isn't one name in the world you could call me that I'd find offensive, ridiculous or downright stupid.
Other than Alec Baldwin, Eminem or that 'too ugly to be gay 'one from X Factor.
Follow Daniel Warner on Twitter: www.twitter.com/picnicdontpanic

Friday, 15 November 2013

How (Not) To Behave On A First Date.

I’ve come to the realisation that the reason I am single and unemployable is because I treat every date like a second job interview and every job interview like a first date.
If you attend a job interview wearing something slutty (applicable to both males and females, gay and straight) and go on a first date looking extremely well-groomed and professional, you’re certain to give the wrong impression both times.
No one wants to employ someone who looks like they’ve just tumbled out of a brothel, and no one on a first date wants to go home with someone who looks like they are going to audit the contents of their kitchen and then give them a crash course in accountancy. (Unless of course, you met on a dating website for auditors and accountants).
The way you behave on a first date, be it at a bar, a restaurant or a nightclub, denotes exactly how you’re going to behave once you’re naked and horizontal.
A fussy eater in a restaurant is never going to come up with the goods sexually.
If you can’t get your mouth around some meatballs and spaghetti without feeling self-conscious, then the chances are you’re not going to feel comfortable taking off your underwear and swinging from a chandelier, and if a person isn’t capable of showing some rhythm on a dance floor, then they are certainly not going to know the right moves in bed.

A first date is not the time to be on my best behaviour.

In fact, it’s the perfect time for me to get roaring drunk, say totally inappropriate things and then break down crying.
After all, if someone isn’t interested in me at my worst, why the hell should I let them see me at my best?
I’m thinking a first date is the perfect setting to try this method of reverse psychology. I’ve been on candlelit dates and sat listening intently, smiling in all the right places and nodding like a dog in the back of a station wagon, to someone in whom I have no interest at all.
So next time I’m on a date with someone I really like, I’m going to set fire to the tablecloth, douse the flames in some gin and then start dancing provocatively around the restaurant.
It may not give the right impression, but it will certainly make sure it’s a memorable one. In the dating world, crazy, sexy and dangerous is a much better option than safe, boring and dull.
“You only have one chance to make
a first impression on a first date.”

Most people are looking for excitement in their lives.

So even if they are begging you to sit down, just ignore them. They are secretly falling in love with you.
If you’re feeling anxious about your first date, it is perfectly acceptable to do whatever it takes to make you relax.
If you’re meeting in a bar, then arrive a little early and knock back a few shots of tequila. It is far better to be relaxed and half-dressed than nervous and buttoned up.
Why would anyone want to go on a date with a “stuffed shirt” when they could be hanging out with someone in a pair of loose pants?
The cutoff point for drinking on a first date is if you should start feeling seriously unwell or (god forbid) are vomiting profusely.
It can have serious repercussions not only on your outfit but also on the sexuality of your date.
The first girl I ever went out with got drunk and vomited all over my jeans. It was at that exact moment I realised I was gay and my only use to a woman would be to hold her hair out of her face while she was sick.
I have had to do this for almost every female friend I have ever had since becoming an adult. I make a much better gay friend than boyfriend.

Back to the etiquette of a first date.

The rules are there no rules. Whatever feels inappropriate you should do with gusto. Whatever seems polite and right is totally and utterly wrong.
Think about your future together because that’s when it’s the time for you to become boring and staid. Your first date is the perfect opportunity to show a complete stranger exactly what you’re capable of, so behave like a wild bull that needs taming rather than an old cow that’s gone lame.
You only have one chance to make a first impression on a first date, so make sure it’s one that counts.
So what if it ends up being for one night only? At least you will have made sure it’s a night they will never forget.

Take a look at my new website: http://www.daniel-warner.co.uk

Tuesday, 12 November 2013

The Perils of Online Dating.

Recently I was asked to take part in a documentary about 'Online Dating'. Not that I am an expert in the field of 'online dating', but the shows researcher had read some of my previous blogs and had decided that I was experienced enough within the realm of dysfunctional relationships to be a prime candidate to be sat wild eyed and confused in front of a television camera, and that once there, I was a sure bet to then let my mouth runaway with me.

When I had the initial telephone interview with the production company I must admit I was little dubious because I thought 'you want to make a documentary about online dating and you don't even know how to Skype?' But then when I really thought about it, nobody's online presence is a true depiction of their physical self anyway, so I guess the production company didn't give a damn what I looked like, as long as I gave good (talking) head.

The researcher on the other end of the telephone line said 'So Daniel, tell me all you know about online dating?' Which sent me into this weird head space of believing that I was actually an expert on all things that go on between a strangers finger and keyboard. 'But I thought you were going to ask me a series of questions and I just had to give you funny answers?' 'No, we really need you to talk about your experience of online dating and how it has affected your relationships, both physically and emotionally'.
I have no great recollection of what I said within the next hour long conversation, except to say that I made about 50% up, 40% was about friends and the secrets they have told me never to share with any other living soul, and the other 10% was discussing those 'Uniform Only' websites in which people pretend they are firemen, nurses and policeman but who actually work part time in a fancy dress shop or have access to the onesie department in Primark.

My actual experience of online dating is limited but I'd imagine it's very useful if you've been barred from every pub or nightclub in the land. I also think it's very handy if you're a prostitute, a pensioner or a pervert, and if you happen to be all three then bingo, you've hit the jackpot without ever having to remove your underwear; but as far as I'm concerned, my experience of online dating has only ever moved from the living room to the bedroom if I've picked up my laptop and taken it to bed with me. 

Online dating is like a takeaway menu for the chronically obese ( and I don't mean to offend with that statement because there is most probably an online dating site for the 'chronically obese'). What I mean is that the choice and possibilities are endless. You could have Asian on a Monday, 'Suited & Booted' on a Tuesday, Naughty Nurses on a Wednesday and 'Big and Buxom' by Thursday. The Internet offers too much choice and therefore takes away the comfort of the reliable. At least if you go down to your local pub you know by the time you've had 10 pints of Guinness and a pack of 'Nobbys Nuts' you'll be able to go home and get naked with the same person you do every weekend when you're wide eyed and legless. Online dating takes away that very special moment of having someone spill their kebab down your bra on the drunken bus ride home. It also takes away that extra special walk of shame on a Sunday morning when your eyeliners smudged and you've got holes in your tights.

I have looked at online sites before but that was mostly if I was doing background checks on people I wanted to date or was preparing to blackmail. The thing is, no one tells the truth online. If they say they are 40, you can bet they are 53. If they are say they are a 'company director' it's a sure sign they are unemployed and if they say they are a 6ft 3" model called Brenda? I'll bet my life they are a 5ft 11" builder called Brian. You should never believe anything you read in an online profile. Inches are added where there are only centimetres, hair is added where there is only toupee tape and £ signs are added where there are only pennies. 
Where precautions need to be taken in 'real life' dating, caution needs to be exercised when you're trying to get your rocks off online. 

Every single one of us is guilty of exercising extreme vanity when choosing our profile picture on Facebook so imagine the amount of posing, plucking and airbrushing that is used if you're trying to find your next person to mate with, marry, murder or mutilate online? The Internet is a dangerous place, and not only for kids who lack parental control and who should really be sat upstairs doing their homework.

I have no advice when it comes to dating online. I don't even do my grocery shopping online because I like to personally squeeze my plums and manhandle my grapefruits before I put anything in my basket and take it to the checkout. I'm all about checking 'sell by' and 'use before' dates and with online dating and online grocery shopping, you can never be too sure that what looks ripe and appetising online, isn't actually over ripe and vomit inducing once laid out bare in front of you on your kitchen table. 

I think it's safe to say that there is a huge divide between gay and straight 'online dating sites' too. If you give a gay man a phone or a laptop he's going to try and have / find sex on it or with it. If you give a straight woman Internet access she's going to try and buy shoes with it and if you give a straight man anything he can put in his hand and download images on then he's going to try and watch porn on it.

The only real advice I can give is this, what looks gorgeous and Grecian online could turn out to be grotesque and Godzilla like in the flesh. What seems exotic and expensive online is probably cheap and nasty when it turns up at your door at 3.30am, and what promises to take you 'on the ride of your life' in it's online profile, is probably on his way over to you on a number 53 bus.

Remember, unless it's standing stark naked in front of you, it's probably coming up behind you, and if you found it on the Internet, you never know what you may be getting or where the hell it's going.Online shopping is fine but if you insist on online dating, always remember to keep your receipts and remember the return policy, If it doesn't look like a thing like it's profile picture, you mustn't let it in.